I totally understand that reaching out to someone and starting a conversation is a brave thing to do. A lot of times, it can be awkward and daunting. Bless those human beings who step back, assess who you are and try to get your attention by putting in some effort. No shade to them. That being said, there are a lot of weird frickin' messages that men send to women. Let's explore some from my own personal collection.
**First names and profile pictures have been obstructed to protect the identities of the innocent douche bags.**
The Nice Compliment Intro
This is probably the most likely type of message a girl might expect to get when she's online dating. This dude probably briefly glanced at your profile, didn't read or absorb anything about you, but he says something about your looks. Fine. Okay. Passable. I always take their compliment at face value and move on with my life. (But my eyes are great, thanks, bruh!)
The Upfront Hook Up Guy
These guys are definitely out there in the dating world. I can't even be mad. He's looking for something and he's being honest about it. I can respect that even if I'm not interested in what he has to offer. He's not trying to play game or lead anyone on. Way to put it out there, bro. It's a lot less drama for everyone that way. If you're looking for a hook up, just tell the other person that is what you want. If they aren't into it, be polite and bow out gracefully. No need to be rude or name call. Hooking up isn't for everyone. If they are into it: Holla! Good for you both! Get yo' strange on!
BeneFriend™: More Into 'Benefit' than 'Friend'
Unlike the guy above, who is being honest as fuck about his intent, this guy does *not* want to be your friend. He just doesn't have the ovaries to woman up and just be straight with you about what his intentions are. He uses the word "possibility" because he wants an out after sleeping with you that doesn't make him look like an asshole. Move along, good sir!
The Married Asshole
There is so much wrong in that message that I don't even know where to start with this one. Dude. Come on.
What does he think I'm going to do? Respond asking for his hotel and room number? Say "lol, omg, love married guys! be right over!" Gag. He should go to AshleyMadison.com where he belongs. What is wrong with this guy? The world may never know. I hope his wife divorces him, takes him for every penny he has and then gets to keep the family dog.
Obscene Hour Messages
I think it's important to look at the time stamps anytime a dude sends a message. When I get a message after bar closing time, I tend to think the person is drunk and looking for a hook up. To quote Ted Mosby's Mom: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M."
Plus, I have a lot of follow up questions for this guy. Where is 'here'? Why? What are you doing up so late? How many shots of fireball have you had? Are you this guy:
The problem with online dating while drinking is that everyone looks slightly more attractive and appealing than they did when you were sober online dating. Hit me back in the A.M. after you've drank some Gatorade and had a couple Advil.
The Christ Guy
First of all, I would like to address my *quality* response on this one. George Carlin, FTW. And then this chump had to go drop Jesus on me. Look, I'm totally down with G-o-d (yeah, you know me! #SisterAct2Jokes), but I don't necessarily feel the need to advertise it to someone the second I message them. Also, the last time Jesus was a dinner guest, it ended in betrayal and crucifixion. That guy is probably a little jumpy at dinner parties. Just sayin'.
Did you guys think I wasn't going to find a Whoopi gif?
On a personal note, Sister Act & Sister Act 2 may be a secret favorite movie of mine(?). Idk.
The Guy You Ignored But Tried Again Anyway
"Hi' is such a lazy message to send. At least throw out a "Hey! How are you?" or something. That was reason enough to pass this dude by in the first place. Ladies, we deserve more than two letters worth of effort. Come on.
On another note, since 'Hi" didn't appear to generate a response, he sent another twelve hours later. He called me a princess? Whoa, bro. I'm a grown ass woman. No grown ass woman wants to be called a 'princess'. I don't need to be treated like a princess. I don't want to live in a castle. I don't need a white knight on a horse. (Also, how do you all feel about someone who is allergic to horses. Is that weird? Asking for a friend...) I've got this shit on lock down. Why don't you move the fuck along? NEXT.
The "I'm not a perv" Perv
What a perv. The end.
The One Time You Actu-Consider A One Night Stand
I don't know how you all feel about pizza, but it's one of the great loves of my life. I may even mention pizza on my tombstone. I stared at this message for a while before I realized that "Hot pizza?" would have been more appealing than "Hot sex and pizza?" at that time in my life. I am not going to judge you one bit if you consider this guy's offer. Ain't no shame in having pizza game, y'all. You do you.
I can do all things through pizza which gives me strength.
Pick Up Line Guy
EVERYONE. Listen to me. Write this pick up line down. It is hilarious. Use it in a story. Tell your friends. Don't respond to this kind of message from a guy. No one really actually uses cheesy pick up lines anymore, solely because no one picks anyone up at bars anymore. (Thanks, Seattle Freeze! You're the best.)
The Insult Guy
I honestly only responded to him because I could feel in my bones that he was going to say something dick-ish enough to screen shot for you all.
There is a group of men out there who like to put women down so it lowers her self-esteem enough that she will sleep with them. It's a really gross thing that pick-up douche nozzels do. Avoid those type of fuckers at all costs. They are out there in the dating world and you have to try to sift them out. If you like someone, you should be nice to them. If someone says they like you or that they want to sleep with you but are putting you down, there is something seriously wrong with them, not with you. You can do better, darlings!
I am curvy, sir. And I like myself. I don't need your approval. I don't need you to be attracted to me. I don't need you to want me. I'm going to be just fuckin' fantastic without you.
BUT, THERE IS HOPE! DON'T WORRY.
And sometimes the universe sends you a gift: The Guy Who Texts You Taylor Swift lyrics. God bless him. This T. Swifty convo went on for like another ten pages before I realized this guy was just into 'Blank Space'. I hope he finds love and unicorns and all his dreams come true. I really, really do.
And thus concludes my three part blog series on online dating. Thanks for helping me get through it, my fellow single ladies. It's been lovely to read and laugh along with you when you've sent me messages about your dating stories. If we all stick together and keep supporting one another, we're going to be just fine. I promise!
And gentlemen: Be a real person. Engage in some conversation. Put in some real effort. Remember that women are human beings, too. Or you're definitely gonna die alone.
Srly. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
