Online Dating: Messages From Dudes are Weird

In the third and final installment of my online dating series, let's talk about the messages that I've received from men. A lot of these make me straight up want to quit dating, take a vow of celibacy and join a nunnery (but, you know, one with wifi).

I totally understand that reaching out to someone and starting a conversation is a brave thing to do. A lot of times, it can be awkward and daunting. Bless those human beings who step back, assess who you are and try to get your attention by putting in some effort. No shade to them. That being said, there are a lot of weird frickin' messages that men send to women. Let's explore some from my own personal collection.

**First names and profile pictures have been obstructed to protect the identities of the innocent douche bags.**

  The Nice Compliment Intro

 

This is probably the most likely type of message a girl might expect to get when she's online dating. This dude probably briefly glanced at your profile, didn't read or absorb anything about you, but he says something about your looks. Fine. Okay. Passable. I always take their compliment at face value and move on with my life. (But my eyes are great, thanks, bruh!)

The Upfront Hook Up Guy

These guys are definitely out there in the dating world. I can't even be mad. He's looking for something and he's being honest about it. I can respect that even if I'm not interested in what he has to offer. He's not trying to play game or lead anyone on. Way to put it out there, bro. It's a lot less drama for everyone that way. If you're looking for a hook up, just tell the other person that is what you want. If they aren't into it, be polite and bow out gracefully. No need to be rude or name call. Hooking up isn't for everyone. If they are into it: Holla! Good for you both! Get yo' strange on!

BeneFriend™: More Into 'Benefit' than 'Friend'

 

Unlike the guy above, who is being honest as fuck about his intent, this guy does *not* want to be your friend. He just doesn't have the ovaries to woman up and just be straight with you about what his intentions are. He uses the word "possibility" because he wants an out after sleeping with you that doesn't make him look like an asshole. Move along, good sir!

The Married Asshole

 

There is so much wrong in that message that I don't even know where to start with this one. Dude. Come on.

What does he think I'm going to do? Respond asking for his hotel and room number? Say "lol, omg, love married guys! be right over!" Gag. He should go to AshleyMadison.com where he belongs. What is wrong with this guy? The world may never know. I hope his wife divorces him, takes him for every penny he has and then gets to keep the family dog. 

Obscene Hour Messages

I think it's important to look at the time stamps anytime a dude sends a message. When I get a message after bar closing time, I tend to think the person is drunk and looking for a hook up. To quote Ted Mosby's Mom: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M." 

Plus, I have a lot of follow up questions for this guy. Where is 'here'? Why? What are you doing up so late? How many shots of fireball have you had?  Are you this guy:

The problem with online dating while drinking is that everyone looks slightly more attractive and appealing than they did when you were sober online dating. Hit me back in the A.M. after you've drank some Gatorade and had a couple Advil.

The Christ Guy

 

First of all, I would like to address my *quality* response on this one. George Carlin, FTW. And then this chump had to go drop Jesus on me. Look, I'm totally down with G-o-d (yeah, you know me! #SisterAct2Jokes), but I don't necessarily feel the need to advertise it to someone the second I message them. Also, the last time Jesus was a dinner guest, it ended in betrayal and crucifixion. That guy is probably a little jumpy at dinner parties. Just sayin'.

Did you guys think I wasn't going to find a Whoopi gif? 

On a personal note, Sister Act  & Sister Act 2 may be a secret favorite movie of mine(?). Idk.

  The Guy You Ignored But Tried Again Anyway

 

"Hi' is such a lazy message to send. At least throw out a "Hey! How are you?" or something. That was reason enough to pass this dude by in the first place. Ladies, we deserve more than two letters worth of effort. Come on.

On another note, since 'Hi" didn't appear to generate a response, he sent another twelve hours later. He called me a princess? Whoa, bro. I'm a grown ass woman. No grown ass woman wants to be called a 'princess'. I don't need to be treated like a princess. I don't want to live in a castle. I don't need a white knight on a horse. (Also, how do you all feel about someone who is allergic to horses. Is that weird? Asking for a friend...) I've got this shit on lock down. Why don't you move the fuck along? NEXT. 

 

The "I'm not a perv" Perv

What a perv. The end.

The One Time You Actu-Consider A One Night Stand

 

I don't know how you all feel about pizza, but it's one of the great loves of my life. I may even mention pizza on my tombstone. I stared at this message for a while before I realized that "Hot pizza?" would have been more appealing than "Hot sex and pizza?" at that time in my life. I am not going to judge you one bit if you consider this guy's offer. Ain't no shame in having pizza game, y'all. You do you.

I can do all things through pizza which gives me strength.

 Pick Up Line Guy

EVERYONE. Listen to me. Write this pick up line down. It is hilarious. Use it in a story. Tell your friends. Don't respond to this kind of message from a guy. No one really actually uses cheesy pick up lines anymore, solely because no one picks anyone up at bars anymore. (Thanks, Seattle Freeze! You're the best.)

The Insult Guy

I honestly only responded to him because I could feel in my bones that he was going to say something dick-ish enough to screen shot for you all.

There is a group of men out there who like to put women down so it lowers her self-esteem enough that she will sleep with them. It's a really gross thing that pick-up douche nozzels do. Avoid those type of fuckers at all costs. They are out there in the dating world and you have to try to sift them out. If you like someone, you should be nice to them. If someone says they like you or that they want to sleep with you but are putting you down, there is something seriously wrong with them, not with you. You can do better, darlings!

I am curvy, sir. And I like myself. I don't need your approval. I don't need you to be attracted to me. I don't need you to want me. I'm going to be just fuckin' fantastic without you.

BUT, THERE IS HOPE! DON'T WORRY.

And sometimes the universe sends you a gift: The Guy Who Texts You Taylor Swift lyrics. God bless him. This T. Swifty convo went on for like another ten pages before I realized this guy was just into 'Blank Space'. I hope he finds love and unicorns and all his dreams come true. I really, really do.

And thus concludes my three part blog series on online dating. Thanks for helping me get through it, my fellow single ladies. It's been lovely to read and laugh along with you when you've sent me messages about your dating stories. If we all stick together and keep supporting one another, we're going to be just fine. I promise!

And gentlemen: Be a real person. Engage in some conversation. Put in some real effort. Remember that women are human beings, too. Or you're definitely gonna die alone.

Srly. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Online Dating: The Nightmare of Which Site to Pick

Guys. I can't do it anymore. I can't.

I always thought I wanted to settle down, get married, have some kidlets and buy a vacation home in Boca.... or some version of that reality. That being said, if the way to get to this is through online dating, I'd much sooner throw myself out of a window than continue go on dates with men that I meet online. Online dating makes me want to be alone for the rest of my life. The crazy, overly emotionally attached men (and I use that word very loosely) that I have encountered through my two year tenure of having profiles on various dating sites have made me want to join a convent. This will be a multi-part series that will examine the various types of awfulness and awkwardness I've encountered in my experience thus far.

To begin the saga, it all starts with picking different what dating site you are doing to expose yourself to. Let me break it down for you kindergarten style about what different sites really offer you. Let me name all the sites you can join off the top of my head:

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Match.com
Plenty of Fish
OkCupid.com
Chemistry.com
eHarmony.com
Zoosk.com
JDate
CRAIGSLIST

You might be thinking: WHICH ONE DO I PICK?!?

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No one will date you if you look like this, not even the crazy ones.

Relax! It's a lot like being five and trying to figure out which cereal to pick on the cereal aisle (but not at all). We've got this. Pour yourself a nice, large glass of wine and I will help walk you my interpretations of all the sites mentioned above.

We can all mutually agree that CRAIGSLIST is a bad idea, unless you're looking to get murdered, or unless you're into murderers. I hear that's a thing people are into. Did you hear about Charles Manson getting engaged?! Ladies, that is a whole another level of desperate that I don't have the time or the mental capacity to explore at the present moment. Plenty of Fish is a great site if you'd like to hook up with someone who can't spell and if you're okay with catching crabs. eHarmony had that old guy as its spokesperson for a bit when I was in high school, so I have always thought it was for retirees (maybe?). JDate is for Jews, literally. It's a Jewish dating site (Mazel!) and I've heard great things from those who have used it. OkCupid is my dating catastrophe of choice because it has really great usability in both its website and mobile site. Dating is stressful enough without knowing how to use the app or find what you're looking for. As far as Chemistry.com and Zoosk, I don't really know anyone who uses them so you're on your own if you try them out. If you happen to try either, or have tried them, please tell me everything I need to know about them. 

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File this under things that I actually worry about

At this point, I want to say that I'm actually kidding about my assessment of these sites (for the most part), but it is important to figure out which one you personally like to use. Online dating is hard enough without having to suffocate through the meaning of stars, winks, flirts and likes. This is important to remember because on top of dealing with all the users who will slowly drain your soul a little bit once you start to go on dates with them, you want to be able to navigate easily through the site and not let our membership fees cut into your online porn budget for the month.

First world problems, right?

Part 2, soon to follow.

Things That Actually Happen to Me

It's 11:04 PM at a bus stop on 3rd Ave & Pike St in Seattle, Washington. I'm standing and waiting for public transit, just minding my own business, when I see someone step unusually close to me.

This is what 3rd & Pike looks like during the daytime. 

It looks exactly the same at night, but replace all the normal looking people with shady mofos and drug dealers.

I side step to get some distance.

He steps closer. And motions at me.

I side step again, and look up.

[Internal monologue: "OH. You're wearing a Northface jacket and casual dress shoes I've seen at Nordstrom." I deem him acceptable to pull my earbuds out for.]

Just because someone is wearing this and looks legit, doesn't mean you have to talk to them. 

Life lesson from your Aunt Natalie.

Him: "I'm sorry. I swear I'm not a creep. I'd move away from me, too on this street."

Me: "Can I help you?"

Him, "Yeah. I mean, I knew I'd could ask you a question because of your glasses and you're listening to The Shins on your iPod. You seem respectable and someone I could ask directions from."

Please approach this guy. He has earbuds and glasses. Using the guy who approached me's logic, the guy in the picture is totally legit.

He probably knows where you want to go at 11 PM on a shady street corner in downtown Seattle.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait... does "Diamonds are Forever," by Kanye West sound like The Shins when it's turned up all the way?"]

So just to put it into perspective: Kanye rolls with Jay-Z on the left and The Shins are on the right. 

All I'm saying is that these people may not be rollin to the same after party...

Me: [Laughs] "What's up?"

Him: "I'm looking for my hotel! It's on 4th Ave and Spring Street."

Me: "Oh! The Hotel Monaco? Yeah, you need to go one block east to get to 4th Ave. Then turn South on 4th and walk until you reach your hotel. It's five blocks away.:

Him: "Oh weird! Yeah! I'm Hotel Monaco! That's weird that you know that!"


[Internal Monologue: "No shit Sherlock, I'm from Seattle and waiting for a bus at 11:06 PM. I am fucking from here."]

 

I only know where this hotel is because I've been drunk in the bar that is in lobby before. How classy is that?

Him: "So left at the end of this block, then right, then continue down."

Me: [after confirming multiple times] "Yes! You've got it! Have a good night!"

He walks away, I thrown my Kanye back in my ears.

Then, he walks back up to me.

Him: "You seem really cool and like we could hang. I'm from Sacramento."

Just so ya'll know, I know two things about Sacramento. It is the capitol of California and even people from Sacramento don't want to live there.

Me: "Oh thanks. Awesome. You enjoy your time here!"

I start putting my headphones back in, and he starts walking away.

He turns back around.

Him: "Yeah, I totally understand that you thought I was weird talking to you late at night. But hey, I think you're cool."

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks!"

[Internal monologue: I should have left the bar ten minutes earlier. Buzz off dude. Kayne is on pause.]

Him: "Actually, want to hang out? I won't try to have sex with you. We could go back to my hotel and order champagne. I think you're cool, you know, I like the Portlandia thing you have going on."

[Internal Monologue: Is this happening? Is this real life? In what world does asking someone you don't know back to your hotel room and offering them champagne mean that you aren't trying to have sex with them?]

1. Isn't this the universal, "let's bang," symbol? 

2. PORTLANDIA? SERIOUSLY? DO I REALLY? Oh. Wait. No. 

You totally have a point. I look like I should be hanging out with these PNW stereotypes. I did this to myself.

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks! But I have to work tomorrow! Enjoy your time in Seattle!"

[Internal Monologue: Oh fuck yeah, I fucking love my job. It's the best excuse ever.]

Him: "Oh man. You're awesome. I like your Toms. Are you sure? It will be fun! Tomorrow I'm going back to Sacramento!"

Me: "I'm good, nice meeting you!:

Him: "Aww, okay! You have a good night! If you change your mind, I'm at the Hotel Monaco, Room number ###."

Me: [Laughs nervously] "You're welcome and thank you! Good night!"

Headphones go back in. I listen to 'All of the lights," by Kanye West.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait. Glasses? iPod? The Shins? Portlandia? Toms? Seriously? Did I just have a guy ask me to his hotel? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck does he think I am? How did I turn into a Seattle stereotype? Is this what I look like? ... Wait. Fuck that guy. I'm listening to Kanye West, mother fucker.]

I am these things, guys:

 

My bus pulls up, I walk on and tap my Orca card before taking a seat.

[Internal Monologue: "Go fuck yourself, 3rd & Pike."]

My bus rolls from the curb.

The End.