This is what 3rd & Pike looks like during the daytime.
It looks exactly the same at night, but replace all the normal looking people with shady mofos and drug dealers.
I side step to get some distance.
He steps closer. And motions at me.
I side step again, and look up.
[Internal monologue: "OH. You're wearing a Northface jacket and casual dress shoes I've seen at Nordstrom." I deem him acceptable to pull my earbuds out for.]
Just because someone is wearing this and looks legit, doesn't mean you have to talk to them.
Life lesson from your Aunt Natalie.
Him: "I'm sorry. I swear I'm not a creep. I'd move away from me, too on this street."
Me: "Can I help you?"
Him, "Yeah. I mean, I knew I'd could ask you a question because of your glasses and you're listening to The Shins on your iPod. You seem respectable and someone I could ask directions from."
Please approach this guy. He has earbuds and glasses. Using the guy who approached me's logic, the guy in the picture is totally legit.
He probably knows where you want to go at 11 PM on a shady street corner in downtown Seattle.
[Internal Monologue: "Wait... does "Diamonds are Forever," by Kanye West sound like The Shins when it's turned up all the way?"]
So just to put it into perspective: Kanye rolls with Jay-Z on the left and The Shins are on the right.
All I'm saying is that these people may not be rollin to the same after party...
Me: [Laughs] "What's up?"
Him: "I'm looking for my hotel! It's on 4th Ave and Spring Street."
Me: "Oh! The Hotel Monaco? Yeah, you need to go one block east to get to 4th Ave. Then turn South on 4th and walk until you reach your hotel. It's five blocks away.:
Him: "Oh weird! Yeah! I'm Hotel Monaco! That's weird that you know that!"
[Internal Monologue: "No shit Sherlock, I'm from Seattle and waiting for a bus at 11:06 PM. I am fucking from here."]
I only know where this hotel is because I've been drunk in the bar that is in lobby before. How classy is that?
Him: "So left at the end of this block, then right, then continue down."
Me: [after confirming multiple times] "Yes! You've got it! Have a good night!"
He walks away, I thrown my Kanye back in my ears.
Then, he walks back up to me.
Him: "You seem really cool and like we could hang. I'm from Sacramento."
Just so ya'll know, I know two things about Sacramento. It is the capitol of California and even people from Sacramento don't want to live there.
Me: "Oh thanks. Awesome. You enjoy your time here!"
I start putting my headphones back in, and he starts walking away.
He turns back around.
Him: "Yeah, I totally understand that you thought I was weird talking to you late at night. But hey, I think you're cool."
Me: [Laughs] "Thanks!"
[Internal monologue: I should have left the bar ten minutes earlier. Buzz off dude. Kayne is on pause.]
Him: "Actually, want to hang out? I won't try to have sex with you. We could go back to my hotel and order champagne. I think you're cool, you know, I like the Portlandia thing you have going on."
[Internal Monologue: Is this happening? Is this real life? In what world does asking someone you don't know back to your hotel room and offering them champagne mean that you aren't trying to have sex with them?]
1. Isn't this the universal, "let's bang," symbol?
2. PORTLANDIA? SERIOUSLY? DO I REALLY? Oh. Wait. No.
You totally have a point. I look like I should be hanging out with these PNW stereotypes. I did this to myself.
Me: [Laughs] "Thanks! But I have to work tomorrow! Enjoy your time in Seattle!"
[Internal Monologue: Oh fuck yeah, I fucking love my job. It's the best excuse ever.]
Him: "Oh man. You're awesome. I like your Toms. Are you sure? It will be fun! Tomorrow I'm going back to Sacramento!"
Me: "I'm good, nice meeting you!:
Him: "Aww, okay! You have a good night! If you change your mind, I'm at the Hotel Monaco, Room number ###."
Me: [Laughs nervously] "You're welcome and thank you! Good night!"
Headphones go back in. I listen to 'All of the lights," by Kanye West.
[Internal Monologue: "Wait. Glasses? iPod? The Shins? Portlandia? Toms? Seriously? Did I just have a guy ask me to his hotel? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck does he think I am? How did I turn into a Seattle stereotype? Is this what I look like? ... Wait. Fuck that guy. I'm listening to Kanye West, mother fucker.]
I am these things, guys:
My bus pulls up, I walk on and tap my Orca card before taking a seat.
[Internal Monologue: "Go fuck yourself, 3rd & Pike."]
My bus rolls from the curb.
The End.
