Online Dating: A Proposed First Date Questionnaire

It's hard out there for a single girl in the dating world. When you get into online dating, you don't really have a friend to vouch for the other person's personality or integrity or personal hygiene(¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Instead, you only have their presentation of themselves on the internet. Though probably unintentional, you can sometimes start dating a person who lied-like-a-rug about themselves in order to go on a date with you.

These don't even cover most of the weirdness I've encountered with dating. Close, though. (Source)

To help alleviate some stress and straight-up eliminate dudes right off the bat, I'm strongly considering handing out the following questionnaire on all my first or second dates. The "gentleman" (and I use that term loosely) will have about 20-25 minutes to complete it before they will be able to join me at the bar. I'll review it and decide based on their answers if they can continue on. This is a reminder that this particular questionnaire is tailor-made to fit the parameters of things I consider important in life, such as not being with a tool. Your questionnaire might be different, say, if you are into football or are vegan. To each their own!

________

Good evening! I'm Natalie! Thanks for meeting me on this date! I super appreciate that you [probably] showered and put on your best formal flannel to meet me for drinks at this dive bar or over-priced craft cocktail bar located in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. Just so we're not wasting any time, I'd like to start off with a few quick questions just to make sure we're part of the same species. Please use the number two pencil provided and, should you have questions or explanations about anything, feel free to go ahead and skip to the bottom of the form.

1. Do you responsibly drink wine, beer and/or hard alcohol? If "no", go ahead and skip to the bottom of the form.

2. Do you consider yourself an intersectional and transclusive feminist? If "no" or "I love all women!", please skip to the bottom of the form.

3. Would you consider yourself an enthusiastic football super fan? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.  

4. Do you acknowledge your privilege (be it in ability, class, economic, education, gender, gender identity, racial, religious, heterosexual, etc) when confronted with it? If "no", skip to the bottom of the form.

5. Do you like to play "devil's advocate"? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.

6. Are you afraid of using the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" should they apply? If "yes" or "I thought you weren't into labels, Natalie", please skip to the bottom of the form.  

7. Do you use the terminology, "making love" in a non-joking manner when referring to sexual intercourse? If "yes", please skip to the bottom of the form.

8. Is monogamy a thing you're cool with at some point? If "no", skip to the bottom of the form.

9. True or False: Rape Culture is real. If "false", please skip to the bottom of the form. 

10. Generally speaking, do you think you will want to have a child one day in the far-off, distant future? If "no", please skip to the bottom of the form.

11. Do you think reverse racism is thing that exists? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form. 

12. Are you currently enrolled in a PhD program at the University of Washington? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.

***Hi there! Were you told to skip to the bottom of the form? Ooo. Rough. This means our time together has come to an untimely and swift end. Long story short, I am not the right woman for you. Please put down your number two pencil and feel free to leave the bar in a polite manner. See ya never and "Good Luck" out there!***
________

And because you should always end everything with Beyonce:

Things That Actually Happen to Me

It's 11:04 PM at a bus stop on 3rd Ave & Pike St in Seattle, Washington. I'm standing and waiting for public transit, just minding my own business, when I see someone step unusually close to me.

This is what 3rd & Pike looks like during the daytime. 

It looks exactly the same at night, but replace all the normal looking people with shady mofos and drug dealers.

I side step to get some distance.

He steps closer. And motions at me.

I side step again, and look up.

[Internal monologue: "OH. You're wearing a Northface jacket and casual dress shoes I've seen at Nordstrom." I deem him acceptable to pull my earbuds out for.]

Just because someone is wearing this and looks legit, doesn't mean you have to talk to them. 

Life lesson from your Aunt Natalie.

Him: "I'm sorry. I swear I'm not a creep. I'd move away from me, too on this street."

Me: "Can I help you?"

Him, "Yeah. I mean, I knew I'd could ask you a question because of your glasses and you're listening to The Shins on your iPod. You seem respectable and someone I could ask directions from."

Please approach this guy. He has earbuds and glasses. Using the guy who approached me's logic, the guy in the picture is totally legit.

He probably knows where you want to go at 11 PM on a shady street corner in downtown Seattle.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait... does "Diamonds are Forever," by Kanye West sound like The Shins when it's turned up all the way?"]

So just to put it into perspective: Kanye rolls with Jay-Z on the left and The Shins are on the right. 

All I'm saying is that these people may not be rollin to the same after party...

Me: [Laughs] "What's up?"

Him: "I'm looking for my hotel! It's on 4th Ave and Spring Street."

Me: "Oh! The Hotel Monaco? Yeah, you need to go one block east to get to 4th Ave. Then turn South on 4th and walk until you reach your hotel. It's five blocks away.:

Him: "Oh weird! Yeah! I'm Hotel Monaco! That's weird that you know that!"


[Internal Monologue: "No shit Sherlock, I'm from Seattle and waiting for a bus at 11:06 PM. I am fucking from here."]

 

I only know where this hotel is because I've been drunk in the bar that is in lobby before. How classy is that?

Him: "So left at the end of this block, then right, then continue down."

Me: [after confirming multiple times] "Yes! You've got it! Have a good night!"

He walks away, I thrown my Kanye back in my ears.

Then, he walks back up to me.

Him: "You seem really cool and like we could hang. I'm from Sacramento."

Just so ya'll know, I know two things about Sacramento. It is the capitol of California and even people from Sacramento don't want to live there.

Me: "Oh thanks. Awesome. You enjoy your time here!"

I start putting my headphones back in, and he starts walking away.

He turns back around.

Him: "Yeah, I totally understand that you thought I was weird talking to you late at night. But hey, I think you're cool."

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks!"

[Internal monologue: I should have left the bar ten minutes earlier. Buzz off dude. Kayne is on pause.]

Him: "Actually, want to hang out? I won't try to have sex with you. We could go back to my hotel and order champagne. I think you're cool, you know, I like the Portlandia thing you have going on."

[Internal Monologue: Is this happening? Is this real life? In what world does asking someone you don't know back to your hotel room and offering them champagne mean that you aren't trying to have sex with them?]

1. Isn't this the universal, "let's bang," symbol? 

2. PORTLANDIA? SERIOUSLY? DO I REALLY? Oh. Wait. No. 

You totally have a point. I look like I should be hanging out with these PNW stereotypes. I did this to myself.

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks! But I have to work tomorrow! Enjoy your time in Seattle!"

[Internal Monologue: Oh fuck yeah, I fucking love my job. It's the best excuse ever.]

Him: "Oh man. You're awesome. I like your Toms. Are you sure? It will be fun! Tomorrow I'm going back to Sacramento!"

Me: "I'm good, nice meeting you!:

Him: "Aww, okay! You have a good night! If you change your mind, I'm at the Hotel Monaco, Room number ###."

Me: [Laughs nervously] "You're welcome and thank you! Good night!"

Headphones go back in. I listen to 'All of the lights," by Kanye West.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait. Glasses? iPod? The Shins? Portlandia? Toms? Seriously? Did I just have a guy ask me to his hotel? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck does he think I am? How did I turn into a Seattle stereotype? Is this what I look like? ... Wait. Fuck that guy. I'm listening to Kanye West, mother fucker.]

I am these things, guys:

 

My bus pulls up, I walk on and tap my Orca card before taking a seat.

[Internal Monologue: "Go fuck yourself, 3rd & Pike."]

My bus rolls from the curb.

The End.