Achy Breaky Hearts

I have been heartbroken over many an asshole and many a decent human being in my life. I have been heartbroken as a break-uper and a break-upee. I have been heartbroken when I really have no reason to be. Heartbreak is universal. Heartbreak takes time. Every heartbreak is different.

Artistic interpretation of all my ex-boyfriends (Source)

The thing with heartbreak is that you can't help how your feelings feel over a person. You can't rationalize them away by hearing your well-intentioned [but dumb] friends say, "That guy was a douche-a-roo," or, "there are plenty of fish in the sea!" Hey. Friends? Amigos? Come real close for a sec. Lean in. Let me whisper something in your ear: STOP SAYING THIS SHIT. Fo' real! It's not helpful. It's a brush off. Don't brush off your friend's heartbreak, okay? The truth is, people saying that your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner was an asshat or that you'll find someone else doesn't make you feel any better. That person may have been an asshat, but they were your asshat. And now they aren't your asshat. That's crummy to you.

My type.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (Source)

At first, you may feel GREAT or you may feel NOTHING. Like,  WHY DID I STAY SO LONG WITH THAT GROSS HUMAN? Or maybe: I AM SO OVER IT! THAT PERSON DID ME A FAVOR BY DUMPING ME! LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW. This is denial. This is okay. The full feelings asteroid hasn't hit you in your oblivious heart yet and made a crater the size of Texas. So you pick up your phone and say, "OH HEY, PIZZA. WHAT'S UP, WINE. I LOVE YOU! COME ON OVER!" And you spend some quality time with your old friends.

(Source)

You coast along for a little while before you realize you've spent the last three weeks Netflix & chilling in your pajamas that you crawl into at 5:30 PM while you're cuddling a bottle of wine and anxiously awaiting the sound of your door bell to ring indicating that the pizza delivery person has arrived. (And when you hear the door bell, you're like "FUCKING FINALLY, DOMINOS!" even though you're literally in a hurry to do nothing). And then, after the pizza has been massacred and the wine is in your tummy, you start doing this inexplicably:

I didn't even know I HAD ice cream. #Sobs (Source)

Sometimes, you go right to the sad stage. Other times, you slowly get sad and a little depressed, right? That's cool. That's okay. Sometimes you need to feel the sadness before you can move on. Listen to Adele. Cry a little. Watch, "The Notebook." Cry a little. Go into the bathroom and ask your reflection in the mirror, "Do you believe in life after love?" (#Cher) Cry a little. Ask yourself the big questions so you can really try to understand this raw moment you're having. Cry a little. Text or call the person you are heartbroken over, even if you shouldn't. That's okay. You have permission to feel your feelings and say what you want to say. <Insert more crying>

Down the toilet, Carrie. The love goes down the toilet. (Source) 

And then, slowly but surely, your sadness will turn into the most beautiful thing, ever: anger! "OH MAN. I HATE THAT PERSON." will be your mantra, that's totes cool, boo. Hate him. Hate her. Hate everything.  Listen to Jagged Little Pill and play "Respect," by Aretha Franklin over and over again. Talk shit about them to *your* friends (If you have mutual friends, keep them out of it, fo' real). Say they were a terrible lover to all *your* friends. Go for gold. Really let the rage take over.

Hell hath no fury, bruh (Source)

What's good about anger, is that you will move past it and channel it all into something productive, like kickboxing or scrubbing your house from floor to ceiling or creating a foolproof plan to egg your ex's home without getting a malicious mischief charge or paying $160 to dye your hair blue & purple (Hi! My name is Natalie and I currently have blue and purple ombre in my hair #TrollYourself). You feel the urge to do something to change how bad you've been feeling. People may not always be understanding of some of the rash choices you make when you're heartbroken, but that is entirely fine. You're perfectly okay. I was watching a movie called "Drinking Buddies," while I was eating pizza and drinking wine in my bed at 6 PM on a week night and a character in it says, "That's the problem with heartbreak, is that to you it's like an atomic bomb and to the world it's just really cliché." So, do all the cliched things. Get it out of your system. Bone everyone you can (get it!). Send an angry email to your ex. Go to the gym and attend a cycling class with a very overzealous instructor named Summer until your legs feel like jello. The thing with this part of heartbreak, is that it turns into less about the other person and more about you.

YOUR HEART IS GOING IN THE TRASH, JERK.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR RECYCLING. (Source)

You start to come out of your feelings and go back to your regular ol' badass self. Woo! "WELCOME BACK! I BROUGHT CHAMPAGNE FOR US TO CELEBRATE YOUR RETURN TO YOUR STATE OF NORMAL BEING. OH WOW! YOUR HAIR IS STILL PURPLE, NAT? IT IS TOTES FINE. YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN PULLING THAT OFF LATELY!" This could take three weeks or six months or a year. That's okay. It's all in your own time and at your own pace.

Pretty much my definition of normalcy (Source)

Being broken up with or breaking up with someone who is wrong for you is not the easiest thing in the world to experience as a person. We value being a couple more than we value the individual, especially if you're a woman. Being alone is stigmatized. Being a human who is a woman and who has feelings is criticized. People act like there is something wrong with you because you don't have another human being attached to you at all times. This may be a thing that makes you feel extra bad in your heartbroken state. Do not let it. You hear me? DO NOT LET IT.  In my twenty-nine years on planet earth, I've learned that I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person or than be with someone who doesn't want me around. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

SING IT, BILLY RAY. (Source)

Online Dating: Messages From Dudes are Weird

In the third and final installment of my online dating series, let's talk about the messages that I've received from men. A lot of these make me straight up want to quit dating, take a vow of celibacy and join a nunnery (but, you know, one with wifi).

I totally understand that reaching out to someone and starting a conversation is a brave thing to do. A lot of times, it can be awkward and daunting. Bless those human beings who step back, assess who you are and try to get your attention by putting in some effort. No shade to them. That being said, there are a lot of weird frickin' messages that men send to women. Let's explore some from my own personal collection.

**First names and profile pictures have been obstructed to protect the identities of the innocent douche bags.**

  The Nice Compliment Intro

 

This is probably the most likely type of message a girl might expect to get when she's online dating. This dude probably briefly glanced at your profile, didn't read or absorb anything about you, but he says something about your looks. Fine. Okay. Passable. I always take their compliment at face value and move on with my life. (But my eyes are great, thanks, bruh!)

The Upfront Hook Up Guy

These guys are definitely out there in the dating world. I can't even be mad. He's looking for something and he's being honest about it. I can respect that even if I'm not interested in what he has to offer. He's not trying to play game or lead anyone on. Way to put it out there, bro. It's a lot less drama for everyone that way. If you're looking for a hook up, just tell the other person that is what you want. If they aren't into it, be polite and bow out gracefully. No need to be rude or name call. Hooking up isn't for everyone. If they are into it: Holla! Good for you both! Get yo' strange on!

BeneFriend™: More Into 'Benefit' than 'Friend'

 

Unlike the guy above, who is being honest as fuck about his intent, this guy does *not* want to be your friend. He just doesn't have the ovaries to woman up and just be straight with you about what his intentions are. He uses the word "possibility" because he wants an out after sleeping with you that doesn't make him look like an asshole. Move along, good sir!

The Married Asshole

 

There is so much wrong in that message that I don't even know where to start with this one. Dude. Come on.

What does he think I'm going to do? Respond asking for his hotel and room number? Say "lol, omg, love married guys! be right over!" Gag. He should go to AshleyMadison.com where he belongs. What is wrong with this guy? The world may never know. I hope his wife divorces him, takes him for every penny he has and then gets to keep the family dog. 

Obscene Hour Messages

I think it's important to look at the time stamps anytime a dude sends a message. When I get a message after bar closing time, I tend to think the person is drunk and looking for a hook up. To quote Ted Mosby's Mom: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M." 

Plus, I have a lot of follow up questions for this guy. Where is 'here'? Why? What are you doing up so late? How many shots of fireball have you had?  Are you this guy:

The problem with online dating while drinking is that everyone looks slightly more attractive and appealing than they did when you were sober online dating. Hit me back in the A.M. after you've drank some Gatorade and had a couple Advil.

The Christ Guy

 

First of all, I would like to address my *quality* response on this one. George Carlin, FTW. And then this chump had to go drop Jesus on me. Look, I'm totally down with G-o-d (yeah, you know me! #SisterAct2Jokes), but I don't necessarily feel the need to advertise it to someone the second I message them. Also, the last time Jesus was a dinner guest, it ended in betrayal and crucifixion. That guy is probably a little jumpy at dinner parties. Just sayin'.

Did you guys think I wasn't going to find a Whoopi gif? 

On a personal note, Sister Act  & Sister Act 2 may be a secret favorite movie of mine(?). Idk.

  The Guy You Ignored But Tried Again Anyway

 

"Hi' is such a lazy message to send. At least throw out a "Hey! How are you?" or something. That was reason enough to pass this dude by in the first place. Ladies, we deserve more than two letters worth of effort. Come on.

On another note, since 'Hi" didn't appear to generate a response, he sent another twelve hours later. He called me a princess? Whoa, bro. I'm a grown ass woman. No grown ass woman wants to be called a 'princess'. I don't need to be treated like a princess. I don't want to live in a castle. I don't need a white knight on a horse. (Also, how do you all feel about someone who is allergic to horses. Is that weird? Asking for a friend...) I've got this shit on lock down. Why don't you move the fuck along? NEXT. 

 

The "I'm not a perv" Perv

What a perv. The end.

The One Time You Actu-Consider A One Night Stand

 

I don't know how you all feel about pizza, but it's one of the great loves of my life. I may even mention pizza on my tombstone. I stared at this message for a while before I realized that "Hot pizza?" would have been more appealing than "Hot sex and pizza?" at that time in my life. I am not going to judge you one bit if you consider this guy's offer. Ain't no shame in having pizza game, y'all. You do you.

I can do all things through pizza which gives me strength.

 Pick Up Line Guy

EVERYONE. Listen to me. Write this pick up line down. It is hilarious. Use it in a story. Tell your friends. Don't respond to this kind of message from a guy. No one really actually uses cheesy pick up lines anymore, solely because no one picks anyone up at bars anymore. (Thanks, Seattle Freeze! You're the best.)

The Insult Guy

I honestly only responded to him because I could feel in my bones that he was going to say something dick-ish enough to screen shot for you all.

There is a group of men out there who like to put women down so it lowers her self-esteem enough that she will sleep with them. It's a really gross thing that pick-up douche nozzels do. Avoid those type of fuckers at all costs. They are out there in the dating world and you have to try to sift them out. If you like someone, you should be nice to them. If someone says they like you or that they want to sleep with you but are putting you down, there is something seriously wrong with them, not with you. You can do better, darlings!

I am curvy, sir. And I like myself. I don't need your approval. I don't need you to be attracted to me. I don't need you to want me. I'm going to be just fuckin' fantastic without you.

BUT, THERE IS HOPE! DON'T WORRY.

And sometimes the universe sends you a gift: The Guy Who Texts You Taylor Swift lyrics. God bless him. This T. Swifty convo went on for like another ten pages before I realized this guy was just into 'Blank Space'. I hope he finds love and unicorns and all his dreams come true. I really, really do.

And thus concludes my three part blog series on online dating. Thanks for helping me get through it, my fellow single ladies. It's been lovely to read and laugh along with you when you've sent me messages about your dating stories. If we all stick together and keep supporting one another, we're going to be just fine. I promise!

And gentlemen: Be a real person. Engage in some conversation. Put in some real effort. Remember that women are human beings, too. Or you're definitely gonna die alone.

Srly. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Online Dating: A Proposed First Date Questionnaire

It's hard out there for a single girl in the dating world. When you get into online dating, you don't really have a friend to vouch for the other person's personality or integrity or personal hygiene(¯\_(ツ)_/¯). Instead, you only have their presentation of themselves on the internet. Though probably unintentional, you can sometimes start dating a person who lied-like-a-rug about themselves in order to go on a date with you.

These don't even cover most of the weirdness I've encountered with dating. Close, though. (Source)

To help alleviate some stress and straight-up eliminate dudes right off the bat, I'm strongly considering handing out the following questionnaire on all my first or second dates. The "gentleman" (and I use that term loosely) will have about 20-25 minutes to complete it before they will be able to join me at the bar. I'll review it and decide based on their answers if they can continue on. This is a reminder that this particular questionnaire is tailor-made to fit the parameters of things I consider important in life, such as not being with a tool. Your questionnaire might be different, say, if you are into football or are vegan. To each their own!

________

Good evening! I'm Natalie! Thanks for meeting me on this date! I super appreciate that you [probably] showered and put on your best formal flannel to meet me for drinks at this dive bar or over-priced craft cocktail bar located in the Capitol Hill neighborhood. Just so we're not wasting any time, I'd like to start off with a few quick questions just to make sure we're part of the same species. Please use the number two pencil provided and, should you have questions or explanations about anything, feel free to go ahead and skip to the bottom of the form.

1. Do you responsibly drink wine, beer and/or hard alcohol? If "no", go ahead and skip to the bottom of the form.

2. Do you consider yourself an intersectional and transclusive feminist? If "no" or "I love all women!", please skip to the bottom of the form.

3. Would you consider yourself an enthusiastic football super fan? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.  

4. Do you acknowledge your privilege (be it in ability, class, economic, education, gender, gender identity, racial, religious, heterosexual, etc) when confronted with it? If "no", skip to the bottom of the form.

5. Do you like to play "devil's advocate"? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.

6. Are you afraid of using the terms "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" should they apply? If "yes" or "I thought you weren't into labels, Natalie", please skip to the bottom of the form.  

7. Do you use the terminology, "making love" in a non-joking manner when referring to sexual intercourse? If "yes", please skip to the bottom of the form.

8. Is monogamy a thing you're cool with at some point? If "no", skip to the bottom of the form.

9. True or False: Rape Culture is real. If "false", please skip to the bottom of the form. 

10. Generally speaking, do you think you will want to have a child one day in the far-off, distant future? If "no", please skip to the bottom of the form.

11. Do you think reverse racism is thing that exists? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form. 

12. Are you currently enrolled in a PhD program at the University of Washington? If "yes", skip to the bottom of the form.

***Hi there! Were you told to skip to the bottom of the form? Ooo. Rough. This means our time together has come to an untimely and swift end. Long story short, I am not the right woman for you. Please put down your number two pencil and feel free to leave the bar in a polite manner. See ya never and "Good Luck" out there!***
________

And because you should always end everything with Beyonce:

Online Dating: The Nightmare of Which Site to Pick

Guys. I can't do it anymore. I can't.

I always thought I wanted to settle down, get married, have some kidlets and buy a vacation home in Boca.... or some version of that reality. That being said, if the way to get to this is through online dating, I'd much sooner throw myself out of a window than continue go on dates with men that I meet online. Online dating makes me want to be alone for the rest of my life. The crazy, overly emotionally attached men (and I use that word very loosely) that I have encountered through my two year tenure of having profiles on various dating sites have made me want to join a convent. This will be a multi-part series that will examine the various types of awfulness and awkwardness I've encountered in my experience thus far.

To begin the saga, it all starts with picking different what dating site you are doing to expose yourself to. Let me break it down for you kindergarten style about what different sites really offer you. Let me name all the sites you can join off the top of my head:

Image source

Match.com
Plenty of Fish
OkCupid.com
Chemistry.com
eHarmony.com
Zoosk.com
JDate
CRAIGSLIST

You might be thinking: WHICH ONE DO I PICK?!?

Image source

No one will date you if you look like this, not even the crazy ones.

Relax! It's a lot like being five and trying to figure out which cereal to pick on the cereal aisle (but not at all). We've got this. Pour yourself a nice, large glass of wine and I will help walk you my interpretations of all the sites mentioned above.

We can all mutually agree that CRAIGSLIST is a bad idea, unless you're looking to get murdered, or unless you're into murderers. I hear that's a thing people are into. Did you hear about Charles Manson getting engaged?! Ladies, that is a whole another level of desperate that I don't have the time or the mental capacity to explore at the present moment. Plenty of Fish is a great site if you'd like to hook up with someone who can't spell and if you're okay with catching crabs. eHarmony had that old guy as its spokesperson for a bit when I was in high school, so I have always thought it was for retirees (maybe?). JDate is for Jews, literally. It's a Jewish dating site (Mazel!) and I've heard great things from those who have used it. OkCupid is my dating catastrophe of choice because it has really great usability in both its website and mobile site. Dating is stressful enough without knowing how to use the app or find what you're looking for. As far as Chemistry.com and Zoosk, I don't really know anyone who uses them so you're on your own if you try them out. If you happen to try either, or have tried them, please tell me everything I need to know about them. 

Image source

File this under things that I actually worry about

At this point, I want to say that I'm actually kidding about my assessment of these sites (for the most part), but it is important to figure out which one you personally like to use. Online dating is hard enough without having to suffocate through the meaning of stars, winks, flirts and likes. This is important to remember because on top of dealing with all the users who will slowly drain your soul a little bit once you start to go on dates with them, you want to be able to navigate easily through the site and not let our membership fees cut into your online porn budget for the month.

First world problems, right?

Part 2, soon to follow.

NEXT.

So he/she stood you up? So he/she never calls or texts you? So he/she acts like you don't exist until he/she wants something from you? Does he/she cancel on you at the last minute?  Is he/she rude to you?

NEXT. 

The NEXT philosophy is really simple to understand. Anytime a dude or chick acts like a moron or disregards common courtesy when dating myself or one of my friends, my friend should lose his/her number and move the fuck on with their lives. Hence, NEXT.

 See? Even Beyonce knows what I'm talking about. She's a self-empowerment unicorn.

Just to be clear, single friends: there is nothing wrong with you if you want someone who likes you to communicate with you on a regular basis, especially if he/she is sleeping with you. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting that person to spend time with you or invest in you. Most importantly, there is nothing wrong with feeling like your needs aren't being met and addressing those needs to the person you are boning or dating or in a relationship with. For example, if you've been dating someone for a while: "Hey, I let you kiss me. When I let you kiss me, I need you to at least text me 'What's up?' the next day or else I'll feel a little down." See? Not so hard.

Dating sometimes sucks. Let's be really honest. There is this ten minute period before I go on a date, especially on a first date, where I try to convince myself to cancel.  It is helpless. According to Wikipedia, 3,500,026 people live in the greater Seattle metropolitan area. Half of that population is male (1,750,013). When you subtract out the percentages of straight, single men who I find attractive, who want to get married and have children one day, who are between the ages of 26 to 35 that I find attractive, who also find me attractive: I'm just fucking doomed. I might as well give up hope and find some cats or join a convent or something.

Alright, that was a dark path we just wandered down. BUT, we needed to go there for a moment to show that even the most confident and independent people in the world (aka me) sometimes doubt themselves. When I start feeling hopeless about dating, I remind myself that I like myself. I think I'm weird and awkward and funny and have great friends and great hair. No matter what a lame date holds, I will still have myself and be myself at the end of it. You should keep that in mind about yourself, too.

Take a page out of Barney Stinson's book. Know how awesome you are.

NEXT just tells you to keep living your life. Your life and your time are valuable to you. That is what is most important. Just because some guy you went out with or girl you've been dating decides they don't like you anymore; it doesn't mean your life is over. Go out. Have fun. Meet people. Make plans. Go on trips.Get drunk and make out with some random guy with green hair at a house party. Live YOUR life. Don't stress out about it. Just take care of yourself. The rest will come with time.

That being said, NEXT is also good for your own self-preservation. It keeps you from turning into the person who can't take a hint. It sucks when someone you like isn't as into you, but there is still behavior protocol. Don't stalk their social networking sites. Don't send multiple texts. Don't call over and over. Don't leave sad sounding voice mails. Don't send e-mails. Don't mail rambling letters. No one wants bone a desperate and needy person. No one wants to have to file a restraining order.

Don't be this person, ever. Don't call this person. Don't be friends with this person.

Most importantly, single friends, sometimes the last people you should take advice from are your married friends or people who have been in a long-term relationships. If they haven't dated outside of college; they have no concept of what dating with dignity is like as an adult. They will be the first to tell you to call or text all the time. They will also tell you to hold on hope longer than they should. They will fill your head full of romantic ideas that will not happen. Resist the urge to listen to them, even if it makes you feel better. And married people/LTR people: learn to tell your friend they are awesome and fine on all on their own. Just because you got married, doesn't mean your friend has to in order to be relevant.

One day, you will find someone who wants to get weird with you forever. And if you don't, there is always good friends, boxed wine and cats to fall back on.... I mean, a girl can dream.

Things That Actually Happen to Me

It's 11:04 PM at a bus stop on 3rd Ave & Pike St in Seattle, Washington. I'm standing and waiting for public transit, just minding my own business, when I see someone step unusually close to me.

This is what 3rd & Pike looks like during the daytime. 

It looks exactly the same at night, but replace all the normal looking people with shady mofos and drug dealers.

I side step to get some distance.

He steps closer. And motions at me.

I side step again, and look up.

[Internal monologue: "OH. You're wearing a Northface jacket and casual dress shoes I've seen at Nordstrom." I deem him acceptable to pull my earbuds out for.]

Just because someone is wearing this and looks legit, doesn't mean you have to talk to them. 

Life lesson from your Aunt Natalie.

Him: "I'm sorry. I swear I'm not a creep. I'd move away from me, too on this street."

Me: "Can I help you?"

Him, "Yeah. I mean, I knew I'd could ask you a question because of your glasses and you're listening to The Shins on your iPod. You seem respectable and someone I could ask directions from."

Please approach this guy. He has earbuds and glasses. Using the guy who approached me's logic, the guy in the picture is totally legit.

He probably knows where you want to go at 11 PM on a shady street corner in downtown Seattle.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait... does "Diamonds are Forever," by Kanye West sound like The Shins when it's turned up all the way?"]

So just to put it into perspective: Kanye rolls with Jay-Z on the left and The Shins are on the right. 

All I'm saying is that these people may not be rollin to the same after party...

Me: [Laughs] "What's up?"

Him: "I'm looking for my hotel! It's on 4th Ave and Spring Street."

Me: "Oh! The Hotel Monaco? Yeah, you need to go one block east to get to 4th Ave. Then turn South on 4th and walk until you reach your hotel. It's five blocks away.:

Him: "Oh weird! Yeah! I'm Hotel Monaco! That's weird that you know that!"


[Internal Monologue: "No shit Sherlock, I'm from Seattle and waiting for a bus at 11:06 PM. I am fucking from here."]

 

I only know where this hotel is because I've been drunk in the bar that is in lobby before. How classy is that?

Him: "So left at the end of this block, then right, then continue down."

Me: [after confirming multiple times] "Yes! You've got it! Have a good night!"

He walks away, I thrown my Kanye back in my ears.

Then, he walks back up to me.

Him: "You seem really cool and like we could hang. I'm from Sacramento."

Just so ya'll know, I know two things about Sacramento. It is the capitol of California and even people from Sacramento don't want to live there.

Me: "Oh thanks. Awesome. You enjoy your time here!"

I start putting my headphones back in, and he starts walking away.

He turns back around.

Him: "Yeah, I totally understand that you thought I was weird talking to you late at night. But hey, I think you're cool."

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks!"

[Internal monologue: I should have left the bar ten minutes earlier. Buzz off dude. Kayne is on pause.]

Him: "Actually, want to hang out? I won't try to have sex with you. We could go back to my hotel and order champagne. I think you're cool, you know, I like the Portlandia thing you have going on."

[Internal Monologue: Is this happening? Is this real life? In what world does asking someone you don't know back to your hotel room and offering them champagne mean that you aren't trying to have sex with them?]

1. Isn't this the universal, "let's bang," symbol? 

2. PORTLANDIA? SERIOUSLY? DO I REALLY? Oh. Wait. No. 

You totally have a point. I look like I should be hanging out with these PNW stereotypes. I did this to myself.

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks! But I have to work tomorrow! Enjoy your time in Seattle!"

[Internal Monologue: Oh fuck yeah, I fucking love my job. It's the best excuse ever.]

Him: "Oh man. You're awesome. I like your Toms. Are you sure? It will be fun! Tomorrow I'm going back to Sacramento!"

Me: "I'm good, nice meeting you!:

Him: "Aww, okay! You have a good night! If you change your mind, I'm at the Hotel Monaco, Room number ###."

Me: [Laughs nervously] "You're welcome and thank you! Good night!"

Headphones go back in. I listen to 'All of the lights," by Kanye West.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait. Glasses? iPod? The Shins? Portlandia? Toms? Seriously? Did I just have a guy ask me to his hotel? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck does he think I am? How did I turn into a Seattle stereotype? Is this what I look like? ... Wait. Fuck that guy. I'm listening to Kanye West, mother fucker.]

I am these things, guys:

 

My bus pulls up, I walk on and tap my Orca card before taking a seat.

[Internal Monologue: "Go fuck yourself, 3rd & Pike."]

My bus rolls from the curb.

The End.