Achy Breaky Hearts

I have been heartbroken over many an asshole and many a decent human being in my life. I have been heartbroken as a break-uper and a break-upee. I have been heartbroken when I really have no reason to be. Heartbreak is universal. Heartbreak takes time. Every heartbreak is different.

Artistic interpretation of all my ex-boyfriends (Source)

The thing with heartbreak is that you can't help how your feelings feel over a person. You can't rationalize them away by hearing your well-intentioned [but dumb] friends say, "That guy was a douche-a-roo," or, "there are plenty of fish in the sea!" Hey. Friends? Amigos? Come real close for a sec. Lean in. Let me whisper something in your ear: STOP SAYING THIS SHIT. Fo' real! It's not helpful. It's a brush off. Don't brush off your friend's heartbreak, okay? The truth is, people saying that your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner was an asshat or that you'll find someone else doesn't make you feel any better. That person may have been an asshat, but they were your asshat. And now they aren't your asshat. That's crummy to you.

My type.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (Source)

At first, you may feel GREAT or you may feel NOTHING. Like,  WHY DID I STAY SO LONG WITH THAT GROSS HUMAN? Or maybe: I AM SO OVER IT! THAT PERSON DID ME A FAVOR BY DUMPING ME! LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW. This is denial. This is okay. The full feelings asteroid hasn't hit you in your oblivious heart yet and made a crater the size of Texas. So you pick up your phone and say, "OH HEY, PIZZA. WHAT'S UP, WINE. I LOVE YOU! COME ON OVER!" And you spend some quality time with your old friends.

(Source)

You coast along for a little while before you realize you've spent the last three weeks Netflix & chilling in your pajamas that you crawl into at 5:30 PM while you're cuddling a bottle of wine and anxiously awaiting the sound of your door bell to ring indicating that the pizza delivery person has arrived. (And when you hear the door bell, you're like "FUCKING FINALLY, DOMINOS!" even though you're literally in a hurry to do nothing). And then, after the pizza has been massacred and the wine is in your tummy, you start doing this inexplicably:

I didn't even know I HAD ice cream. #Sobs (Source)

Sometimes, you go right to the sad stage. Other times, you slowly get sad and a little depressed, right? That's cool. That's okay. Sometimes you need to feel the sadness before you can move on. Listen to Adele. Cry a little. Watch, "The Notebook." Cry a little. Go into the bathroom and ask your reflection in the mirror, "Do you believe in life after love?" (#Cher) Cry a little. Ask yourself the big questions so you can really try to understand this raw moment you're having. Cry a little. Text or call the person you are heartbroken over, even if you shouldn't. That's okay. You have permission to feel your feelings and say what you want to say. <Insert more crying>

Down the toilet, Carrie. The love goes down the toilet. (Source) 

And then, slowly but surely, your sadness will turn into the most beautiful thing, ever: anger! "OH MAN. I HATE THAT PERSON." will be your mantra, that's totes cool, boo. Hate him. Hate her. Hate everything.  Listen to Jagged Little Pill and play "Respect," by Aretha Franklin over and over again. Talk shit about them to *your* friends (If you have mutual friends, keep them out of it, fo' real). Say they were a terrible lover to all *your* friends. Go for gold. Really let the rage take over.

Hell hath no fury, bruh (Source)

What's good about anger, is that you will move past it and channel it all into something productive, like kickboxing or scrubbing your house from floor to ceiling or creating a foolproof plan to egg your ex's home without getting a malicious mischief charge or paying $160 to dye your hair blue & purple (Hi! My name is Natalie and I currently have blue and purple ombre in my hair #TrollYourself). You feel the urge to do something to change how bad you've been feeling. People may not always be understanding of some of the rash choices you make when you're heartbroken, but that is entirely fine. You're perfectly okay. I was watching a movie called "Drinking Buddies," while I was eating pizza and drinking wine in my bed at 6 PM on a week night and a character in it says, "That's the problem with heartbreak, is that to you it's like an atomic bomb and to the world it's just really cliché." So, do all the cliched things. Get it out of your system. Bone everyone you can (get it!). Send an angry email to your ex. Go to the gym and attend a cycling class with a very overzealous instructor named Summer until your legs feel like jello. The thing with this part of heartbreak, is that it turns into less about the other person and more about you.

YOUR HEART IS GOING IN THE TRASH, JERK.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR RECYCLING. (Source)

You start to come out of your feelings and go back to your regular ol' badass self. Woo! "WELCOME BACK! I BROUGHT CHAMPAGNE FOR US TO CELEBRATE YOUR RETURN TO YOUR STATE OF NORMAL BEING. OH WOW! YOUR HAIR IS STILL PURPLE, NAT? IT IS TOTES FINE. YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN PULLING THAT OFF LATELY!" This could take three weeks or six months or a year. That's okay. It's all in your own time and at your own pace.

Pretty much my definition of normalcy (Source)

Being broken up with or breaking up with someone who is wrong for you is not the easiest thing in the world to experience as a person. We value being a couple more than we value the individual, especially if you're a woman. Being alone is stigmatized. Being a human who is a woman and who has feelings is criticized. People act like there is something wrong with you because you don't have another human being attached to you at all times. This may be a thing that makes you feel extra bad in your heartbroken state. Do not let it. You hear me? DO NOT LET IT.  In my twenty-nine years on planet earth, I've learned that I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person or than be with someone who doesn't want me around. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

SING IT, BILLY RAY. (Source)

Online Dating: Messages From Dudes are Weird

In the third and final installment of my online dating series, let's talk about the messages that I've received from men. A lot of these make me straight up want to quit dating, take a vow of celibacy and join a nunnery (but, you know, one with wifi).

I totally understand that reaching out to someone and starting a conversation is a brave thing to do. A lot of times, it can be awkward and daunting. Bless those human beings who step back, assess who you are and try to get your attention by putting in some effort. No shade to them. That being said, there are a lot of weird frickin' messages that men send to women. Let's explore some from my own personal collection.

**First names and profile pictures have been obstructed to protect the identities of the innocent douche bags.**

  The Nice Compliment Intro

 

This is probably the most likely type of message a girl might expect to get when she's online dating. This dude probably briefly glanced at your profile, didn't read or absorb anything about you, but he says something about your looks. Fine. Okay. Passable. I always take their compliment at face value and move on with my life. (But my eyes are great, thanks, bruh!)

The Upfront Hook Up Guy

These guys are definitely out there in the dating world. I can't even be mad. He's looking for something and he's being honest about it. I can respect that even if I'm not interested in what he has to offer. He's not trying to play game or lead anyone on. Way to put it out there, bro. It's a lot less drama for everyone that way. If you're looking for a hook up, just tell the other person that is what you want. If they aren't into it, be polite and bow out gracefully. No need to be rude or name call. Hooking up isn't for everyone. If they are into it: Holla! Good for you both! Get yo' strange on!

BeneFriend™: More Into 'Benefit' than 'Friend'

 

Unlike the guy above, who is being honest as fuck about his intent, this guy does *not* want to be your friend. He just doesn't have the ovaries to woman up and just be straight with you about what his intentions are. He uses the word "possibility" because he wants an out after sleeping with you that doesn't make him look like an asshole. Move along, good sir!

The Married Asshole

 

There is so much wrong in that message that I don't even know where to start with this one. Dude. Come on.

What does he think I'm going to do? Respond asking for his hotel and room number? Say "lol, omg, love married guys! be right over!" Gag. He should go to AshleyMadison.com where he belongs. What is wrong with this guy? The world may never know. I hope his wife divorces him, takes him for every penny he has and then gets to keep the family dog. 

Obscene Hour Messages

I think it's important to look at the time stamps anytime a dude sends a message. When I get a message after bar closing time, I tend to think the person is drunk and looking for a hook up. To quote Ted Mosby's Mom: "Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M." 

Plus, I have a lot of follow up questions for this guy. Where is 'here'? Why? What are you doing up so late? How many shots of fireball have you had?  Are you this guy:

The problem with online dating while drinking is that everyone looks slightly more attractive and appealing than they did when you were sober online dating. Hit me back in the A.M. after you've drank some Gatorade and had a couple Advil.

The Christ Guy

 

First of all, I would like to address my *quality* response on this one. George Carlin, FTW. And then this chump had to go drop Jesus on me. Look, I'm totally down with G-o-d (yeah, you know me! #SisterAct2Jokes), but I don't necessarily feel the need to advertise it to someone the second I message them. Also, the last time Jesus was a dinner guest, it ended in betrayal and crucifixion. That guy is probably a little jumpy at dinner parties. Just sayin'.

Did you guys think I wasn't going to find a Whoopi gif? 

On a personal note, Sister Act  & Sister Act 2 may be a secret favorite movie of mine(?). Idk.

  The Guy You Ignored But Tried Again Anyway

 

"Hi' is such a lazy message to send. At least throw out a "Hey! How are you?" or something. That was reason enough to pass this dude by in the first place. Ladies, we deserve more than two letters worth of effort. Come on.

On another note, since 'Hi" didn't appear to generate a response, he sent another twelve hours later. He called me a princess? Whoa, bro. I'm a grown ass woman. No grown ass woman wants to be called a 'princess'. I don't need to be treated like a princess. I don't want to live in a castle. I don't need a white knight on a horse. (Also, how do you all feel about someone who is allergic to horses. Is that weird? Asking for a friend...) I've got this shit on lock down. Why don't you move the fuck along? NEXT. 

 

The "I'm not a perv" Perv

What a perv. The end.

The One Time You Actu-Consider A One Night Stand

 

I don't know how you all feel about pizza, but it's one of the great loves of my life. I may even mention pizza on my tombstone. I stared at this message for a while before I realized that "Hot pizza?" would have been more appealing than "Hot sex and pizza?" at that time in my life. I am not going to judge you one bit if you consider this guy's offer. Ain't no shame in having pizza game, y'all. You do you.

I can do all things through pizza which gives me strength.

 Pick Up Line Guy

EVERYONE. Listen to me. Write this pick up line down. It is hilarious. Use it in a story. Tell your friends. Don't respond to this kind of message from a guy. No one really actually uses cheesy pick up lines anymore, solely because no one picks anyone up at bars anymore. (Thanks, Seattle Freeze! You're the best.)

The Insult Guy

I honestly only responded to him because I could feel in my bones that he was going to say something dick-ish enough to screen shot for you all.

There is a group of men out there who like to put women down so it lowers her self-esteem enough that she will sleep with them. It's a really gross thing that pick-up douche nozzels do. Avoid those type of fuckers at all costs. They are out there in the dating world and you have to try to sift them out. If you like someone, you should be nice to them. If someone says they like you or that they want to sleep with you but are putting you down, there is something seriously wrong with them, not with you. You can do better, darlings!

I am curvy, sir. And I like myself. I don't need your approval. I don't need you to be attracted to me. I don't need you to want me. I'm going to be just fuckin' fantastic without you.

BUT, THERE IS HOPE! DON'T WORRY.

And sometimes the universe sends you a gift: The Guy Who Texts You Taylor Swift lyrics. God bless him. This T. Swifty convo went on for like another ten pages before I realized this guy was just into 'Blank Space'. I hope he finds love and unicorns and all his dreams come true. I really, really do.

And thus concludes my three part blog series on online dating. Thanks for helping me get through it, my fellow single ladies. It's been lovely to read and laugh along with you when you've sent me messages about your dating stories. If we all stick together and keep supporting one another, we're going to be just fine. I promise!

And gentlemen: Be a real person. Engage in some conversation. Put in some real effort. Remember that women are human beings, too. Or you're definitely gonna die alone.

Srly. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯