NEXT.

So he/she stood you up? So he/she never calls or texts you? So he/she acts like you don't exist until he/she wants something from you? Does he/she cancel on you at the last minute?  Is he/she rude to you?

NEXT. 

The NEXT philosophy is really simple to understand. Anytime a dude or chick acts like a moron or disregards common courtesy when dating myself or one of my friends, my friend should lose his/her number and move the fuck on with their lives. Hence, NEXT.

 See? Even Beyonce knows what I'm talking about. She's a self-empowerment unicorn.

Just to be clear, single friends: there is nothing wrong with you if you want someone who likes you to communicate with you on a regular basis, especially if he/she is sleeping with you. There is nothing wrong with you for wanting that person to spend time with you or invest in you. Most importantly, there is nothing wrong with feeling like your needs aren't being met and addressing those needs to the person you are boning or dating or in a relationship with. For example, if you've been dating someone for a while: "Hey, I let you kiss me. When I let you kiss me, I need you to at least text me 'What's up?' the next day or else I'll feel a little down." See? Not so hard.

Dating sometimes sucks. Let's be really honest. There is this ten minute period before I go on a date, especially on a first date, where I try to convince myself to cancel.  It is helpless. According to Wikipedia, 3,500,026 people live in the greater Seattle metropolitan area. Half of that population is male (1,750,013). When you subtract out the percentages of straight, single men who I find attractive, who want to get married and have children one day, who are between the ages of 26 to 35 that I find attractive, who also find me attractive: I'm just fucking doomed. I might as well give up hope and find some cats or join a convent or something.

Alright, that was a dark path we just wandered down. BUT, we needed to go there for a moment to show that even the most confident and independent people in the world (aka me) sometimes doubt themselves. When I start feeling hopeless about dating, I remind myself that I like myself. I think I'm weird and awkward and funny and have great friends and great hair. No matter what a lame date holds, I will still have myself and be myself at the end of it. You should keep that in mind about yourself, too.

Take a page out of Barney Stinson's book. Know how awesome you are.

NEXT just tells you to keep living your life. Your life and your time are valuable to you. That is what is most important. Just because some guy you went out with or girl you've been dating decides they don't like you anymore; it doesn't mean your life is over. Go out. Have fun. Meet people. Make plans. Go on trips.Get drunk and make out with some random guy with green hair at a house party. Live YOUR life. Don't stress out about it. Just take care of yourself. The rest will come with time.

That being said, NEXT is also good for your own self-preservation. It keeps you from turning into the person who can't take a hint. It sucks when someone you like isn't as into you, but there is still behavior protocol. Don't stalk their social networking sites. Don't send multiple texts. Don't call over and over. Don't leave sad sounding voice mails. Don't send e-mails. Don't mail rambling letters. No one wants bone a desperate and needy person. No one wants to have to file a restraining order.

Don't be this person, ever. Don't call this person. Don't be friends with this person.

Most importantly, single friends, sometimes the last people you should take advice from are your married friends or people who have been in a long-term relationships. If they haven't dated outside of college; they have no concept of what dating with dignity is like as an adult. They will be the first to tell you to call or text all the time. They will also tell you to hold on hope longer than they should. They will fill your head full of romantic ideas that will not happen. Resist the urge to listen to them, even if it makes you feel better. And married people/LTR people: learn to tell your friend they are awesome and fine on all on their own. Just because you got married, doesn't mean your friend has to in order to be relevant.

One day, you will find someone who wants to get weird with you forever. And if you don't, there is always good friends, boxed wine and cats to fall back on.... I mean, a girl can dream.

Things That Actually Happen to Me

It's 11:04 PM at a bus stop on 3rd Ave & Pike St in Seattle, Washington. I'm standing and waiting for public transit, just minding my own business, when I see someone step unusually close to me.

This is what 3rd & Pike looks like during the daytime. 

It looks exactly the same at night, but replace all the normal looking people with shady mofos and drug dealers.

I side step to get some distance.

He steps closer. And motions at me.

I side step again, and look up.

[Internal monologue: "OH. You're wearing a Northface jacket and casual dress shoes I've seen at Nordstrom." I deem him acceptable to pull my earbuds out for.]

Just because someone is wearing this and looks legit, doesn't mean you have to talk to them. 

Life lesson from your Aunt Natalie.

Him: "I'm sorry. I swear I'm not a creep. I'd move away from me, too on this street."

Me: "Can I help you?"

Him, "Yeah. I mean, I knew I'd could ask you a question because of your glasses and you're listening to The Shins on your iPod. You seem respectable and someone I could ask directions from."

Please approach this guy. He has earbuds and glasses. Using the guy who approached me's logic, the guy in the picture is totally legit.

He probably knows where you want to go at 11 PM on a shady street corner in downtown Seattle.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait... does "Diamonds are Forever," by Kanye West sound like The Shins when it's turned up all the way?"]

So just to put it into perspective: Kanye rolls with Jay-Z on the left and The Shins are on the right. 

All I'm saying is that these people may not be rollin to the same after party...

Me: [Laughs] "What's up?"

Him: "I'm looking for my hotel! It's on 4th Ave and Spring Street."

Me: "Oh! The Hotel Monaco? Yeah, you need to go one block east to get to 4th Ave. Then turn South on 4th and walk until you reach your hotel. It's five blocks away.:

Him: "Oh weird! Yeah! I'm Hotel Monaco! That's weird that you know that!"


[Internal Monologue: "No shit Sherlock, I'm from Seattle and waiting for a bus at 11:06 PM. I am fucking from here."]

 

I only know where this hotel is because I've been drunk in the bar that is in lobby before. How classy is that?

Him: "So left at the end of this block, then right, then continue down."

Me: [after confirming multiple times] "Yes! You've got it! Have a good night!"

He walks away, I thrown my Kanye back in my ears.

Then, he walks back up to me.

Him: "You seem really cool and like we could hang. I'm from Sacramento."

Just so ya'll know, I know two things about Sacramento. It is the capitol of California and even people from Sacramento don't want to live there.

Me: "Oh thanks. Awesome. You enjoy your time here!"

I start putting my headphones back in, and he starts walking away.

He turns back around.

Him: "Yeah, I totally understand that you thought I was weird talking to you late at night. But hey, I think you're cool."

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks!"

[Internal monologue: I should have left the bar ten minutes earlier. Buzz off dude. Kayne is on pause.]

Him: "Actually, want to hang out? I won't try to have sex with you. We could go back to my hotel and order champagne. I think you're cool, you know, I like the Portlandia thing you have going on."

[Internal Monologue: Is this happening? Is this real life? In what world does asking someone you don't know back to your hotel room and offering them champagne mean that you aren't trying to have sex with them?]

1. Isn't this the universal, "let's bang," symbol? 

2. PORTLANDIA? SERIOUSLY? DO I REALLY? Oh. Wait. No. 

You totally have a point. I look like I should be hanging out with these PNW stereotypes. I did this to myself.

Me: [Laughs] "Thanks! But I have to work tomorrow! Enjoy your time in Seattle!"

[Internal Monologue: Oh fuck yeah, I fucking love my job. It's the best excuse ever.]

Him: "Oh man. You're awesome. I like your Toms. Are you sure? It will be fun! Tomorrow I'm going back to Sacramento!"

Me: "I'm good, nice meeting you!:

Him: "Aww, okay! You have a good night! If you change your mind, I'm at the Hotel Monaco, Room number ###."

Me: [Laughs nervously] "You're welcome and thank you! Good night!"

Headphones go back in. I listen to 'All of the lights," by Kanye West.

[Internal Monologue: "Wait. Glasses? iPod? The Shins? Portlandia? Toms? Seriously? Did I just have a guy ask me to his hotel? Who the fuck am I? Who the fuck does he think I am? How did I turn into a Seattle stereotype? Is this what I look like? ... Wait. Fuck that guy. I'm listening to Kanye West, mother fucker.]

I am these things, guys:

 

My bus pulls up, I walk on and tap my Orca card before taking a seat.

[Internal Monologue: "Go fuck yourself, 3rd & Pike."]

My bus rolls from the curb.

The End.

Everything is in a name

Dear future child (that I will have 10 years from now):

You will have a boring, common name. I'm super sorry about that. I have a terrible imagination and almost no sense of creativity. You will be named Joe or Sarah or something equally as unoriginal. Why am I doing this? Because believe it or not, I love you and know what is best for you. You will thank me when you are able to get a respectable job at an accounting firm after college while your best friend, Zebulon Moonfire Johnson-Smith, is working at a pizza place while trying to get his/her novella published after he/she dropped out of college.

Love, Mom

If you don't wear a seat belt, you are a moron

I cannot, in most circumstances, control my mouth or my face when I think someone is an idiot.

This past week, I went to a dinner in honor of a friend from out of town. Luckily, my best friend and I carpooled together so I had someone who I knew could keep me relatively in check should something ridiculous happen. The dinner was great, until the conversation turned to the subject of what will get you pulled over for in a car. Where Washington State police don't enforce the cell phone law as much as they probably should, they do, however, enforce the seat belt law. The gentleman sitting next to me (we will call him Sid, because it is a really simple name for what we can only assume is a simple man) says that he has to pull his seat belt over his chest every time he see a cop because he doesn't wear his seat belt.


This is when that "I cannot, in most circumstances, control my mouth of my face when I think someone is an idiot," thing happens.


"Why wouldn't you wear a seat belt?" I ask, visibly and audibly perplexed, with a hint of judgement in my voice.
"Why would I?" Sid, the moron, replies.

Lucky for everyone involved, someone new showed up and I could not respond in the following way:

Why would you?  What the hell do you mean why would you? Do you not wear a seat belt because you are "like the safest driver ever"? Regardless of your driving skills, you can't buy a effing crystal ball that will tell you if every effing driver around you is a safe driver as well or if everyone's car is functioning properly or if some catastrophic event is going to take place that will veer your car off the effing road. Not wearing a seat belt is a great way for natural selection to make you a dead moron or a quadriplegic or put you in a coma or worse, you will teach a small child your terrible habit. 
 


Seat belt use WILL save your life, Sid. And the following resources all tell you the same information.

First of all, Linday "Hot Mess" Lohan even wears hers when she is drunk and all-coked out.

Not that anyone cares, but Hot Mess Lohan was recently involved in an accident and was told by the officers the responded to the scene that her and her passenger wearing seat belts helped save them from further injury. Here is her car that ate it:

 

Source: People.com

In fact, according to the Seattle Police Department Blotter:

 This year marks the 10^th anniversary of Washington’s primary seat belt law. An estimated 1,010 lives have been saved since the initiation of the law requiring drivers and passengers to buckle up. “The purpose of the law is to save lives and I’m really pleased to see how far we’ve come.” Washington state is a leader in seat belt use in the United States with 97.5 percent of motorists buckling up, an increase from 82 percent in 2002 when the primary law went into effect. With the rise of seat belt use, traffic deaths statewide have declined by nearly one-third, from 658 in 2002 to 455 in 2011 (preliminary data). Despite these promising numbers, four out of every ten people who died in car crashes in Washington in the last five years were not wearing seat belts.

Source: http://spdblotter.seattle.gov/2012/05/16/traffic-safety-celebrates-10-year-anniversary-of-seat-belt-law-and-1010-lives-saved/

Even Wikipedia, which is a terrible source and no respectable academic would actually use, backs this up.
Observational studies of car crash morbidity and mortality, experiments using both crash test dummies and human cadavers indicate that wearing seat belts greatly reduces the risk of death and injury in the majority of car crashes. This has led many countries to adopt mandatory seat belt wearing laws. It is generally accepted that, in comparing like-for-like accidents, a vehicle occupant not wearing a properly fitted seat belt has a significantly and substantially higher chance of death and serious injury.
<sup>Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seat_belt


Just for good measure, let's throw the Center for Disease Control's (CDC) research in for consideration. Even though wearing a seat belt has nothing to do with the CDC or disease control really, they have studied how amazing and life saving seat belts are.</sup> 
Motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of death for people age 5 – 34. Adult seat belt use is the single most effective way to save lives and reduce injuries in crashes.
<sup>Source: http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5951a3.htm?s_cid=mm5951a3_w

And last, but certainly not least, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration researches the shit out of seat belt use every year, in every area in the country and complies data that always tells you wearing a seat belt is a life-saving idea. (Source: http://www-nrd.nhtsa.dot.gov/Pubs/811544.pdf)

What we can gather from this information is that that the answer to Sid's question, "Why would I [wear a seat belt]?" would be, "Because, Sid, you will die if you do not wear a seat belt."

So put on your fucking seat belt, Sid.</sup>

The Triscuit Debacle of 2012

Triscuits suck normally. I hate plain triscuits with a fiery passion usually reserved for political extremists, injustice and green beans (oh man, we need to talk about green beans another time).

This being said, there are exceptions to every rule. Rosemary and olive oil flavor triscuits are amazing. I could eat them all day. Nom, nom, nom. They are great alone, they are great with Trader Joe's edamame dip. I would even love it if my apartment smelled like rosemary & olive oil flavored triscuits. They aren't terrible for you. They are perfect for a mid-morning or mid-day snack. I love them so much, I even buy then when they are not on sale.

So this morning I'm chowing down on my favorite snack and I just happen to look at the box. BAM!I almost choked on my delicious Triscuit when I saw the following:

 Photo courtesy of me

What does that even mean? Why can't Nabisco just put 'NATURAL FLAVOR' on the box? Why does it have to be 'NATURAL FLAVOR WITH OTHER NATURAL FLAVOR?" Who is in charge of editing this shit? Clearly, Nabisco is a sloppy company and that cannot properly proof-read their own product material. Alarmed, I begin investigating the entire box. And guess what else I found?

 Photo courtesy of me

It is not "NATURAL FLAVOR, (CONTAINS CELERY)" but "NATURAL FLAVOR (CONTAINS CELERY). The lack of comma affects the entire meaning of the ingredient list. According to the lack of comma, celery is a key ingredient in the flavor of this Triscuit. Have you eaten celery? What deep, delicious flavor does celery present when you bite it? None! That's why you eat it with peanut butter or with Nutella or with dip. Celery has no taste and burns more calories when you chew it than it contains. It is a guilt free utensil-like method of shoving foods that are terrible for you into your mouth. It is not, nor will it ever be, a legit natural flavor.

Rosemary and olive oil flavor triscuits are dead to me. They shall go back to their rightful place in the order of the universe, just below Cheez-its and Wheat Thins.