Achy Breaky Hearts

I have been heartbroken over many an asshole and many a decent human being in my life. I have been heartbroken as a break-uper and a break-upee. I have been heartbroken when I really have no reason to be. Heartbreak is universal. Heartbreak takes time. Every heartbreak is different.

Artistic interpretation of all my ex-boyfriends (Source)

The thing with heartbreak is that you can't help how your feelings feel over a person. You can't rationalize them away by hearing your well-intentioned [but dumb] friends say, "That guy was a douche-a-roo," or, "there are plenty of fish in the sea!" Hey. Friends? Amigos? Come real close for a sec. Lean in. Let me whisper something in your ear: STOP SAYING THIS SHIT. Fo' real! It's not helpful. It's a brush off. Don't brush off your friend's heartbreak, okay? The truth is, people saying that your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner was an asshat or that you'll find someone else doesn't make you feel any better. That person may have been an asshat, but they were your asshat. And now they aren't your asshat. That's crummy to you.

My type.
SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (Source)

At first, you may feel GREAT or you may feel NOTHING. Like,  WHY DID I STAY SO LONG WITH THAT GROSS HUMAN? Or maybe: I AM SO OVER IT! THAT PERSON DID ME A FAVOR BY DUMPING ME! LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY LIFE IS RIGHT NOW. This is denial. This is okay. The full feelings asteroid hasn't hit you in your oblivious heart yet and made a crater the size of Texas. So you pick up your phone and say, "OH HEY, PIZZA. WHAT'S UP, WINE. I LOVE YOU! COME ON OVER!" And you spend some quality time with your old friends.

(Source)

You coast along for a little while before you realize you've spent the last three weeks Netflix & chilling in your pajamas that you crawl into at 5:30 PM while you're cuddling a bottle of wine and anxiously awaiting the sound of your door bell to ring indicating that the pizza delivery person has arrived. (And when you hear the door bell, you're like "FUCKING FINALLY, DOMINOS!" even though you're literally in a hurry to do nothing). And then, after the pizza has been massacred and the wine is in your tummy, you start doing this inexplicably:

I didn't even know I HAD ice cream. #Sobs (Source)

Sometimes, you go right to the sad stage. Other times, you slowly get sad and a little depressed, right? That's cool. That's okay. Sometimes you need to feel the sadness before you can move on. Listen to Adele. Cry a little. Watch, "The Notebook." Cry a little. Go into the bathroom and ask your reflection in the mirror, "Do you believe in life after love?" (#Cher) Cry a little. Ask yourself the big questions so you can really try to understand this raw moment you're having. Cry a little. Text or call the person you are heartbroken over, even if you shouldn't. That's okay. You have permission to feel your feelings and say what you want to say. <Insert more crying>

Down the toilet, Carrie. The love goes down the toilet. (Source) 

And then, slowly but surely, your sadness will turn into the most beautiful thing, ever: anger! "OH MAN. I HATE THAT PERSON." will be your mantra, that's totes cool, boo. Hate him. Hate her. Hate everything.  Listen to Jagged Little Pill and play "Respect," by Aretha Franklin over and over again. Talk shit about them to *your* friends (If you have mutual friends, keep them out of it, fo' real). Say they were a terrible lover to all *your* friends. Go for gold. Really let the rage take over.

Hell hath no fury, bruh (Source)

What's good about anger, is that you will move past it and channel it all into something productive, like kickboxing or scrubbing your house from floor to ceiling or creating a foolproof plan to egg your ex's home without getting a malicious mischief charge or paying $160 to dye your hair blue & purple (Hi! My name is Natalie and I currently have blue and purple ombre in my hair #TrollYourself). You feel the urge to do something to change how bad you've been feeling. People may not always be understanding of some of the rash choices you make when you're heartbroken, but that is entirely fine. You're perfectly okay. I was watching a movie called "Drinking Buddies," while I was eating pizza and drinking wine in my bed at 6 PM on a week night and a character in it says, "That's the problem with heartbreak, is that to you it's like an atomic bomb and to the world it's just really cliché." So, do all the cliched things. Get it out of your system. Bone everyone you can (get it!). Send an angry email to your ex. Go to the gym and attend a cycling class with a very overzealous instructor named Summer until your legs feel like jello. The thing with this part of heartbreak, is that it turns into less about the other person and more about you.

YOUR HEART IS GOING IN THE TRASH, JERK.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR RECYCLING. (Source)

You start to come out of your feelings and go back to your regular ol' badass self. Woo! "WELCOME BACK! I BROUGHT CHAMPAGNE FOR US TO CELEBRATE YOUR RETURN TO YOUR STATE OF NORMAL BEING. OH WOW! YOUR HAIR IS STILL PURPLE, NAT? IT IS TOTES FINE. YOU REALLY HAVE BEEN PULLING THAT OFF LATELY!" This could take three weeks or six months or a year. That's okay. It's all in your own time and at your own pace.

Pretty much my definition of normalcy (Source)

Being broken up with or breaking up with someone who is wrong for you is not the easiest thing in the world to experience as a person. We value being a couple more than we value the individual, especially if you're a woman. Being alone is stigmatized. Being a human who is a woman and who has feelings is criticized. People act like there is something wrong with you because you don't have another human being attached to you at all times. This may be a thing that makes you feel extra bad in your heartbroken state. Do not let it. You hear me? DO NOT LET IT.  In my twenty-nine years on planet earth, I've learned that I would much rather be alone than be with the wrong person or than be with someone who doesn't want me around. And there ain't nothing wrong with that.

SING IT, BILLY RAY. (Source)